Journal
by BANYA
Summary: A glimpse inside the mind of season 6 Buffy's journal. BA w CA undertones.


Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. DOn't believe me check the main page.   
  
Rating: PG14 or R ish, I guess? *Shrugs* read and find out, seeing as there's no adult content. :P   
  
Distribution: Take it. Just let me know where it's going.  
  
**** I know that what I have for her history in L.A. isn't at all how the movie went, but I wanted to explore it that way...****  
  
From the diary of Buffy Anne Summers  
  
It broke me, Willow's spell. 'Cause see, my memories been fucked with so many times over that eventually something had to give. And when I came to my senses and realized I wasn't "Joan the Super Hero" (where the Hell did I come up with that name? Joan??), when I really remembered who I was, I remembered everything.  
  
I remembered the smell of burning flesh as Lothos torched the high school. I remembered finding the bodies of the people I loved. I remembered staking Pike. I remembered completely shutting down and ending up in a mental hospital, and Merrick going nearly as crazy I was when he tried to understand by going in my mind. I remembered screams, and shock therapy, and doctors beating me senseless just to see how much I could take...  
  
I remembered kisses in the sun, and the table breaking, and chocolate and peanut butter in bed, and ice cream off of his chest, and promises of forever that would never be kept. 'We'll make another one like it tomorrow," I wonder if he knew then that we wouldn't. Some part of me did. I wonder if he knows that he and Darla created his and my kid when they went at it, that the soul is ours, no matter how much the boy looks like Darla...  
  
I remembered the Hell before Heaven, the world I went to first, Glory's world, where they beat me and raped me and tortured me and it was all fun for them. I remembered that world's Angelus, and the cold look in his eyes as he hurt me, and I remembered that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I remembered that it infuriated me that he couldn't break me, even though he knew in another world we'd been lovers.  
  
I remembered Heaven. Where before I only sensed that I'd been happy, I remembered open fields, and my Mom, and Kendra, and Merrick, and Jenny, and Kathy, Angel's sister, and Angel's parents, and I remembered William, Spike's soul, I remembered Drusilla's soul, and I remembered how happy he'd be if he'd been there because they all forgave him, all of his victims there did. They were all so proud of him, even his father. I remembered watching him, and being proud too, because he wanted to, so bad, he wanted to end it all, but he didn't. I remembered believing for the first time that he really did love me, as much as I loved him.  
  
I remembered Him. I remembered watching his life pass, from his birth to his time as Angelus, to his time as Angel. And I loved him even more. I loved him because he has to live with all the things I saw haunting him, and he does, and maybe it cripples him a little, but he's still fighting, he's still doing good. His soul is still pure and innocent and in some ways it's still younger than mine, no matter what he's seen.  
  
Age isn't about what you've seen. I'm jaded. He still believes in something, and I've given up on everything. That's how I'm older than he is.  
  
Everybody said it was hard, seeing their entire lives come back to them, everyone was mad at Willow for a long time. Tara left her, Dawn wouldn't speak to her, Xander and Anya wouldn't speak to anyone, and Giles never stopped with the disapproving glares. Spike just whined. Spike always whines.  
  
I knew then that she had a problem. But I wouldn't face it. I couldn't face anything. When I was younger, up until recently actually, I used to have these really bad nightmares, so bad that I was afraid to sleep. They never came when Angel held me, and I would't let them come after I was resurrected. But they came back. I was so scared, and so desperate, and so... weak for so long because of those memories.  
  
But they saved me too. They pulled me away from Spike, they made me believe in something again. In breaking me, Will healed me, and so I couldn't be as mad as everyone else. Because she made me remember.  
  
I remembered Angel. I remembered that I loved him more than my own life. And I remembered that he loved me too. He loved me enough to let me go, and for the first time in ever I understood that. Because I realized I loved him enough to let him stay gone.  
  
Someday I'll tell him all that. Someday way into the future when I've got nothing left to hide from him because I still believe he'll find me again. And I've decided to wait. Because he needs to see that I love HIM. Not demon him. Not human him. All of him. And he won't see that if I move on with Spike, or with Mr. Attempt-At-Moving-On-With-A-Normal-Innocent-Human- Male number... what is now? 4? Parker, Riley, Ben... it would be four. The point is Number Four will never be enough. Because I love Angel, and whether there's a heartbeat or not, I always will.  
  
I'm his girl. Forever.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The diary fell shut as Cordelia pushed the boxes away. She couldn't let Angel see these, any of what Willow had sent him. He need never know she'd died... again. Either she'd just pop back to life and make it all pointless, or he'd go crazy with guilt over it all. it wasn't his fault Buffy had killed herself. It wasn't his fault she was too weak to keep breathing when she was told he turned to ash.  
  
And he'd just get mad at Cordelia for telling her that little white lie. She just had to break them up for good. Angel wouldn't want her if Buffy was still in the picture.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
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